dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
