I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize