Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
