I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
