I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
