i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
