cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
