just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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