SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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