So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
