From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
