So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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