I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
