she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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