Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
