well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
