While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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