Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
