On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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