YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
