That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
