you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
