I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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