in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
