I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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