words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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