Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
