the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize