I just saw a hot homeless man
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
This is my gift to your gina
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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