No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
