i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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