i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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