Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
