That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
