I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
