All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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