I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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