her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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