saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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