I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
