rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
