Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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