if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
