saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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