so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
