he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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