Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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