My hair reeks of homosexuality.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
