I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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