WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
